Don't Read

now i know why they call it depression... it actually feels depressing, like someone has taken off your skull and wrapped your head in a sack then slowly tightens the drawstrings. your brain is sore in a way, you can't focus; your eyes are drawn tight towards the back of you head, you want to cry but the pressure keeps the tears in. you don't want to do anything, don't want to sleep because of the dreams, don't want to move because every step is a constant remeinder that your heart is still beating, don't want to talk because if you open yourself up but a pinprick the dam will break open and everything that you've worked to bottle up is reliesed in a torrent destroying everything in its way. people will tell you its not true, that they will listen, that they just want to know whats wrong, and that they don't care if it hurts them. but everyone knows its not true, they will be hurt wether they admit it or not, no one can face the tide of someones true emotions without being dragged back to the same sea the emotions came from. we all know this to be true, if someones is happy and we hang around them, we get happier. if someone is sad and we hang around them, we get sadder. would it not also follow that if someone is depressed or hurt or anything simaler and they share that, the person they share it with will exemplify the emotions they heard? i for one would rather be a mess inside, and not hurt anyone. then have the guilt of someone elses pain on my shoulders. wow, thats kinda selfish isn't it? its all rather selfish really, everything anyone does is in some way selfish. seriously now. just think about everything you did today and give me one example of something that was not selfish, and i will tell you how it was. for example i just wrote the last sentence to justify my own being selfish.
sometimes i wish, i wish that i had never been born, never existed. can you imagine it? how wonderful it be? people say well what of all the happy times you've had? and i say what of all the sad? the sad happen its part of life is the typical response. but is not the happiness also part of life? why are people so quick to lay aside one set of events because 'everyone must go through those' but won't lay aside both sets? people have happy times, and people have sad, but i don't want either. solomon was truelly wise when he said, "and i saw that the dying who were dead were better off than the living that were still alive, but better than both is he who has not seen, he who has not heard what happends under the sun." (ecc 4:somthin paraphrased) why is God so good? he creates the universe on a whim makes man who he knows without a shadow of a doubt will fail him. leaves us here for a breath, then wisks some of us off to a place of eternal misery and the rest off to a forced worship of him eternally. yes, that sounds so good to me.

i'm so tired, tired of failing, tired of messing up. i never can do anything right, its always a step behind, just short of the goal. i want to cry, but crying doesn't help. i want to listin to music, but that doesn't help. i want to die, but dying doesn't help. i want to cut, but that doesn't help. i want to talk to someone, but that never helps. they all helped for time, like half dry wells in a dessert, but their season is over. depression is so much like fear, you won't do anything because of the imagined consequences. i don't want to live in fear, because that is what scares me the most.