hmmm....yeah....

have you seen a picture of your heart?
I saw mine, all crusty around the edges, a few scars cut through it as well, the outsides all crispyfied like a really old chocolate covered donut. But it is there, that's a good thing I suppose, I won't be going tin-man on y'all for a while yet. But it's just sitting there, not moving, not beating, not bleeding, just sitting. And that's what scares me, its not beating, perhaps I'm not really alive. A bit of soul searching reveals that this might very well be so. Sure, I'm here, I can walk, talk, eat doritos, but am I truely living? What drives me from day to day, is it just that dying is really a pain in the butt? or is there something deeper, something beyond myself worth living for?
So, with all these thoughts whirling through my head, another voice popped in among the conversation.
"Your heart it's dry and crusty because you have made it so, it's not anyone else that's taken it and scared it and dryed it out through lack of use, it is you. You live out your life trying to avoid pain, avoid the bleeding and it has dried and no longer beats because of this. The less painful way is rarely the right way. The easy way is rarely the right way. My way is the right way.
You may bleed a little, or a lot following Me, but don't worry, I know what I am doing. I will make you heart beat strong within you, I will make you run with more passion then you could ever have on your own. I will make you go beyond what you can do, and into what I can do, and what I can do is limitless. If you want to live, follow me. If you don't want to be hurt, if you don't want pain, then die in your mediocrity.
Your heart is stale now, and only I can make it live again, but
it's not easy. It will hurt. You know this from when you've tried to find passion through something else. Your heart beats and all the dryness cracks and starts to bleed, your heart's beating again, but it doesn't last, it soon scabs over and drys again, leaving more scars then before. My way is different, I take your heart - I take all the scars, all the dryness, all the built up gunk surrounding it - and I reach through it all grab it with my claws and tear it all off of you. And then, when the shell is gone, when the blood has flowed, when everything that was hidden is torn into the light, I begin. I craft you a new heart, devoid of scars, or hurt, dryness. It still will bleed, but my love will cleanse the wounds. It will still hurt, but I will keep it beating through the pain.
You want to live? You want something bigger then yourself to drive you? I am bigger then any other thing. I will drive you when all else does not. Live for me. Let me drive your passion. And you will live, and live well."

Q & A

how far must one go to find ones self? what drives someone on the journey? is it a desire to be better? is it a quest for something that will tell you that the way you are now, is ok? does it matter?
are there higher levels of selves?
if we can't achieve perfection is there a point in trying? or is it trying, in itself, that makes us better? if so, why do we struggle with trying to be perfect, if trying is the end, not the means? why is the struggle nessecary? sure, making it through hard times makes us stronger, but is it better to be stonger? is it better to be wiser? why is it better? if God is made strong in our weaknesses, should we want more weaknesses? is it the right place for a christian to be weeping on the floor, totally weak, totally empty, gone of any desire to be ourselves because we are so weak? or is it to stand strong, shouting out commands to a wicked world?

Gifts

Here's another essay that I wrote for a class, its not all that great, but hey....

Gifts

In the book The Ingathering, the People each possessed a special ability, one of the gifts or persuasions. The gifts ranged from the ability to lift and move objects, see into the future or sort through peoples minds. We, as Christians, possess gifts as well. Our gifts bear resemblance in some ways to those of the People. We also have people that God reveals His secrets about the future to - prophets; people that can see to a small degree into others minds - those gifted in discernment; those gifted in mentoring, exhortation, mercy, or interpretation often help others sort through their thoughts. The Bible tell us, "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move."[1] But there seems to be one prevailing difference between our gifts and the Peoples. They can use their gifts whenever they want, while we can only use ours when God allows. As we look further, at this I hope to bring understanding to why this shouldn't be so.

As the People get older they discover which gift they have, and then try to develop that gift as far as possible. They aren't limited to just that gift, but can attempt to master other ones, though any secondary gifts are much harder to develop. We also have a gift that we have natural talent for, which through prayer and a developing relationship with God becomes stronger with time, but we should earnestly desire the spiritual gifts[2] not just the one(s) we started with.

Now as to the differences, I dont believe there are any. We have the same potential as the People do to use our gifts. Why, you may ask, cant people use their gifts whenever they want? Two reasons one, most people havent taken the time necessary in prayer and fellowship with God to develop their gift to its full potential. Second, we dont know what we want. Everyone desires to do what they believe is good, but our belief is limited by our finite knowledge and our willingness to believe it. If we had full knowledge of what is right and wrong, and had the ability to believe it, we wouldnt act in any way contrary to Gods will. If we set our minds on things above[3] and put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator[4] then our desires would be His desires. The things we do would actually be things He wanted us to do and His power would be fully realized in us. Only when we have truly given up all of ourselves to God, will our wants be what we truly want and our gifts will help us accomplish them all.

Now Stephen, a man full of God's grace and power, did great wonders and miraculous signs among the people.[5] Stephen was full of Gods grace and power, and therefore mustve been empty of himself. That is what everyone really wants, to be filled with the love of God and to be transformed into the image of our creator. When we achieve this, we can use our gifts the way we want, because our wants are His.

We all have these gifts, we may not like them at times, as Simon didnt,

I don't want to! Simon's eyes brimmed again. I don't think it's a bit of fun. Do I have to?

Do you have to breathe? I asked him. You could stop if you wanted to, but your body would die. You can refuse your Gift, but part of you would die - the part of you the Power honors - your place in the Presence - your syllable of the Name.[6]

As this quote says, rejecting our gifts is a rejection of the God that placed them there. We may not understand why God gave us the gifts He did, but they are there for a purpose, and only when we become reconciled to Him can we be began to grasp our purpose.

---

[1] Matthew 17:20

[2] 1 Corinthians 14:1

[3] Colossians 3:2

[4] Colossians 3:10

[5] Acts 6:8

[6] Ingathering: the complete People stories of Zenna Henderson. Deluge (p.258)

asdf

at the top of a mountian, so cold and so bleak,
there lived a man,
of which no one did speak,

people would only whisper his name,
"the grinch," they would say,
a one and the same,

the grinch would look down,
from high on his perch,
anger and malice from his heart would lerch,

for he had no love for the town,
smiling their smiles,
but never a frown,

meanwhile back in the village of who

the people all did as they should,
eating their veggies,
and cleaning their room,

curling their hair, in the way the law said,
doing their chores,
and making their beds,

they knew of all the right answers
to the wrong questions
and were excellent dancers



"how ya doin sir?"
"good!" they'd exclaim

Imbrace Your Inner Grandma

if life were filled with roses,
that stretched from sea to sea,
and we could be like moses,
amazing that would be,

to journey down unto the depths,
reaching forth our hand,
living filled with God's breath,
that flowed from land to land,

His voice would be a battle cry,
waking all to see,
His lasting light flowing,
out from you and me,

if we would live the life,
that we all know we should,
then the world would tip from the knife,
into a place of good,

violence wouldn't be an issue,
if we loved as He did,
our broken hearts would need no tissue,
and we would laugh and kid,

our minds would be filled with hope,
not the dull and empty lies,
that we get from watching soaps,
and other poisen to our minds,

that is the world as it could be,
but why is it not so?
if we could only see,
there's one thing we need to know,

God's love is perfect, pure, and strong,
loving unconditionly,
when filled with Him you can't go wrong,
though others, this, can't see,

They think that God don't love them,
because of times of bad,
His arms are spread wide to hug them,
but they don't which makes Him sad,

if we could be his lamppost,
shining for all to see,
showing love the very most,
an outporing from His to me,

yes, people need a change of heart,
yes, we sin and lie,
but the homeless guy by walmart,
deserves not the glares from our eyes,

we all make mistakes
they are wrong thats true
but judgment comes not from us
but from the Maker of the sky a'blue

Jesus love us
this i know
for the Bible tells me so

and if you don't believe thats true
then i have got a story for you

Freedom

You laugh at the Isrealites just freed from bondage, just stepping from the sea parted by God, just taken out of slavery by God's power shown through signs and wonders.You laugh because they've forgotten, while there backs still ache from slavery they whine and complain of the toils of a road of freedom, they've forgotten the power of the God that led them there.
But tell me, why do you laugh? Hasn't God freed you from your bondage? Hasn't he set you free? Free from sin. Free from the law. Free from your past and everything that binds you to your old life. Yet you aren't free. You, like the Isrealites, are a stiff-necked people, God has broken the chains yet you sit willingly in your dungeon, you forget the power of God. You may pray, may read your Bible, may worship God, but when that moment is over you fall so quickly back into your old ways. With your actions you cry out, "We were better off in Egypt!"
Do you not understand? Are you so quick to forget the power of God? If the Son shall make you free, you are free indeed! Do not worry what other think of you. Do not worry about your struggles and cares. Let go of your old life. Cast your cares upon God. For He loves you, and He cares for you.