Behind

Behind my eyes there are tears,
Of sadness, of joy,
Behind this mask there are fears,
of a tired broken boy,

Behind my hands are timidness,
fearing every move,
Behind this cage, a restlessness,
ripped with doubt that none can sooth,

Behind my feet are footprints,
from a past I left behind,
Behind this glaze are whispered hints,
of that past that still fills my mind,

Behind my mind are quiet words,
that clog each searching thought,
Behind my back, a thousand birds,
Lifting, to help me fly or die, I and they know naught,

Behind my heart a question,
Lingering in cool night air,
Will this be my life long obsession,
Will it be? Do I dare?

Poem. again.

Why does this haunt me,
These whispered words, these lies,
In the dark when I can't see,
Everything spins and dies,

Do I face it?
Do I move on?
I cannot sit,
Until its presence is gone,

These whispers of thought,
These destroying lies,
Though I seek them naught,
They still haunt me with their cries,

I want to escape,
From what lies behind my eyes,
Why do I stay molded in this shape,
Where a mistake means my heart dies,

How do I run?
How do I fight?
Behind the clouds there's no sun,
Just more darkness, no light,

I hate being here,
In the world that is not mine,
Though I long for it when it is near,
It is not who I am, not my emblem or sign,

Flee from the darkness,
But where will I hide,
In the light? I'll be found with my mess,
I'm stuck, no matter which side,

Freedom I've found,
Isn't the absence of this curse,
But when the action is bound,
That would have me in hearse,

Random musings

I feel the strong urge to write something...but nothins coming...hmm...

Time. The constantly flowing force that always seems to do the opposite of what we desire. Forcing us ever onward through the times that we'd like to stay in, and leaving us praying that it would advance one instant during the times when sorrow knocks at our door. How do we stand with this constantly belittiling enemy? Why must we wrap our minds around this seemingly inconsistant constant? But perhaps all these questions are another way of asking-why must we live? Time is the object through which we remember. A past, or at least knowledge of one, for us to take anything and compare it and learn it and grow it. Yet God is outside time. Does God remember things in the past? I mean, he knows everything, but does he remember things? As if they happened in the past? or does he just see everything through all time as if it happened in the present? the way we don't just see a single point along a line, but see the whole line as a whole?

hmmm....i dunno...just some thoughts.
I'll try and write something coherent later...lol

wrote this a while ago...thought why not...

Why must I wait,
Why can't I run,
Straight into your arms,
Like the fast rising sun,

And why can't they see,
This hope that I've found,
Lifting me up,
Way up over, the ground,

And I--I sit here and wait,
Yes, I--I sit here and wait,
Sit in your silence,

When I talk to a friend,
And I hear your name,
I see my heart,
The difference, the change,

In every person and place,
I see your face,
And I feel it rise,
My heart's beating its pace,

(bridgish chorus)

Why can't I wake,
From this bright dream,
Spinning me round ,
I hope alls as it seems,

(more random verses to the same rhythm pattern)

Yet another poem...And yes I do want you to answer the question :-)

How do I say "I love you",
Those simple, simple words,
Refreshing like the morning dew,
Or singing of the birds,

Do I shout it from the rooftops,
Or whisper in the dark,
How do I say "I love you",
I don't know where to start,

Do I hold you close forever,
Tell you everything will be okay,
Or never touch you, never,
And keep the words at bay,

Do I seek to be near you always,
Or leave in alone in peace,
Do I buy you lots of chocolate,
Or not one single piece,

Do I take you out to dinner,
To a movie to a show,
Or you want to stay alone with me,
And for a stroll we'll go,

Do I write you mane a letter,
Telling you how wonderful you are,
You deserve so much better,
Much more then me by for

Do I seek to serve you always,
Open all the doors,
Do I help in tasks through all days,
Like getting done your chores,

I hope that you see clearly,
These words I don't know how to say,
Please know I love you dearly,
And try to act that way,

So how do I say "I love you",
Is it in word or deed,
Or something else quite new,
I don't know what you need,

When I say "I love you",
I mean more then I say,
I just want what's best for you,
Each night and every day,

I hope that you will be mine,
But I don't know what that is,
I just await His sign,
Because I want much more for you to be His,

So hear these words, "I love you"
Hear them every day,
And someday things that I knew,
Will come forth, He'll let me say.

A song

In our weakness,
Will you help us now,
In confusion,
Will you show us how,

How to move on,
And how to stay strong,
Please give us your light,
Hold us in this fight,

Because there's beauty in the pain,
There's beauty in the broken,
Hope falls like the rain,
Coming from words unspoken,

There's beauty in the hope,
Beauty in heart's forgiving,
Beauty in how we cope,
Beauty in just living,

Let us live, God,

And fill us with your fire,
Let our knees nod,
When time are very dire,
I give you my trails,
I give you my cares,
Carry me through these miles,
As we face these snares,

My Prayer

Help me to let go,
Of everything I should,
Help me to not sow,
The wrong things beneath heart's vieled hood,

Help me now to grow,
In you my Lord, my God,
Help me now to know,
Of you to whom my heart does nod,

Help me now to see,
Your path laid out, so right,
Help me now to be,
A man, a servant, a knight,

For in your ways, peace is found,
In your ways, sin is bound,
You are my rock, my solid ground,
"You are my Lord", the heavens sound,

When trouble come,
And alone I feel,
You'll be my sum,
To you I'll kneel,

To be yours, is my dare,
This I say to thee,
It is my prayer,
My call, my plee.

A Dream

In a dream,
A dream of futures passed,
The tale of the way things seem,
A story of things that couldn't last,
In a dream,

In a dream,
I hear the things I should've said,
Trailing through as my mind deems,
I know the thoughts that are long dead,
In a dream,

In a dream,
I see you as I know you are,
Before my mind fills with a thoughtless scheme,
I know you from near to far,
In a dream,

In a dream,
As I grasp your gentle hand,
I feel we make the perfect team,
Walk with me across the land?
In a dream.

In a dream,
I hope I am what I'll become,
Not like my now saddened extreme,
But a man who, to God, has come,
In a dream,

In a dream,
I feel the hope of future,
I fear past's foggy cream,
I watch as the both are sutured,
In a dream.

Why yes, I just wanted to rhyme things with footprint.

A single line of foot prints,
Walking through the snow,
Those soft and gentle imprints,
Wherever do they go?

A single line of foot prints,
Traveling through the night,
Their crisp edges give whispered hints,
Of the moon's downpouring light,

A single line of foot prints,
Crisp in cool cold air,
Flakes and crystaled heart sprints,
Glistening and laid bare,

A single line of foot prints,
The favored of snow's marks,
Going on, tiny rents,
Like the light of heaven's sparks,

A single line of foot prints,
A story within them rests,
They make their quiet stints,
Across snow's gentle nest,

A single line of foot prints,
I wish I could ever see,
They go where no one else went,
And where they are, no one else can be,

A single line of foot prints,
I need to forever stay,
I hope you hear, as I meant,
The words I act out every day,

A single line of foot prints,
Ending as they did start
A single line of foot prints,
Strolling across my heart.

A song....in the style of staind...."I thought you said 'I love you' "

I thought you said 'I love you',
I guess I heard you wrong,
I thought that you would be true,
And I hadn't been led along,
I thought I heard you whisper,
Those nothings in my ear,
I never caught the adieu,
Until you were not here,

And I cry out in whispers,
Because I don't know what to say,
These tears, they do surround me,
I'll hide you from my shame,
You said you'd always be there,
Would always hold my hand,
Until the day you left me,
I thought you'd understand.

I thought you said 'I love you',
It must be my mistake,
I thought I watched as you grew,
Out of your past, and through its wake,
I thought that I'd read your mail,
Through the portal of your heart,
It seemed that you became new,
But you hadn't made a start,

(chorus)

I thought you said 'I love you',
I thought that you would be true,
I thought you'd finally break through,
But I never really knew...I never really knew....

Wrote this for battlecry...but why not...

When faced with doubt and troubles,
My heart like fallen rubbles,
I'll rise to head his call,

This is my battle cry,

In time when I feel small,
When I trip, stumble, and fall,
I'll seek him with my all,

This is my battlecry,

When the world has gone quite dim,
And I stagger on sin's brim,
His Word I will take in,

This is my battlecry,

When a brother soldier ,
Stumbles under satan's boulder,
With them will be my prayers, and for their Tears, my shoulder,

This is my battlecry,

When a call of help rises,
From people of all shapes and sizes,
I will pull them from all guises,

This is my battlecry,

When sickness, death, and bloodshed,
Strand someone in their bed,
I'll heal them as He said,

This is mybattlecry,

I'll praise through pain and heartache,
Sing till there out of heaven breaks,
A fire and a passion, that makes the whole world shake,

This is my battlecry,

Until hell has been defeated,
And satan's throne unseated,
My goal is not completed,

I will seek his face unceasing,
Each day my heart is beating,
Till filled is heaven's place of meeting,

This is my battlecry,
This is my battlecry,
THIS IS MY BATTLECRY.

i really tried to hard to make this one rhyme...to free-versy for me to...

in the silence of a thousand tears,
speaking through your many snears,
they've piled up through all these years,
say them now, those unknown fears,

in the picture of the darkness lay,
the things you simply cannot say,
you press them hard, keep them at bay,
to the torturous souls, just say nay,

in the whispers of your hazel eyes,
the pressure here of all my lies,
i feel it now, to soon it dies,
seek my past and all it buys,

in the twinkle of your pristine smile,
the old unpacked and all in file,
spinning through, your thoughts, a dail,
flowing down like ancient nile,

in the lightness of your gentle hand,
singing softly like big brass band,
i know your there across the land,
spread through thought, like twisted sand,

in the calmness of your beating heart,
the beating whispers it apart,
it changes as you give a start,
your feelings now, sweet or tart?

in everything you ever said,
they fly back through my winding head,
lifting me, like load of lead,
drawing me to life-long bed.

poem del yertle el turtle

whisper whisper in my head,
whisper whisper thoughts unsaid,
whisper whisper things unknown,
whisper whisper when i'm alone,

twist and turn in little ways,
things that other people say,
don't allow my mind a rest,
whisper whisper, that's what's best,

pull on back your little net,
it yanks tight, my ways are set,
whip me right and whip me left,
I can't escape, my web so deft,

Falling through that thin thin air,
Faith and doubt, that twisted pair,
Dragging forth my heart ensnared,
Ripping down, till all's stripped bare,

Spinning minds and ribboned care,
your face a mask, is this a fair?
why oh why, my mind it blares,
take a peek, or do you dare,

whisper whispers in my mind,
whisper whisper thoughts unkind,
whisper whisper dreams in my bed,
whisper whisper till i'm dead.

Journey through my head....

Hiding in the ashes,
Turning from the sun,
Fall in leaps and dashes,
Please don't drop the gun,

Crawling beneath the eternal,
Finding not at all,
Thoughts whisper so maternal,
Don't answer to his call,

Delving through the fires,
Seeking flame through pain,
Your hope and dreams they spire,
Down as depths call out your name,

Tearing eyes they great you,
Seperating cliques and clans,
The more and more you do,
the more and more you can,

Facing down a stranger,
Running from a friend,
You are your own danger,
Can it ever mend?

Walk, leave it here to stay,
Run, come back another day,
Hide, will seek come? it never may,
Hope, to keep your mind at bay,

It is the answer,
But questions are hard to find,
Your head spins like a dancer,
But will they, will they mind?

The Face

When across a golden sky,
I see that face, wicked and sly,
Turning, I won't let out a simple sigh,
I see that face, and say goodbye,

Reaching through my mind, contorted,
Seeking thoughts, all disordered,
Running from the face un-mortared,
Pages of 'ifs' totally unsorted,

Like time without a clock,
Like a boat without a dock,
It is key without a lock,
My head uncovered, like foot without a sock,

Turning from the road ahead,
Seeking pasts that are long dead,
Remember things I never said,
I want it now, my life-long bed,

Ducking beneath defying odds,
Hiding there beneath the sod,
They seek me ever, rejected gods,
Let me rest, like peas in pod,

'Don't run', but the ground pulls from me if i don't,
'Don't hide', then will the battle stop? I'm sure it won't,
'Don't hurt', should that be helped? I'm sure it can't,
Don't leave me alone, with the face, he who counts,

A rubber band pulled over taut,
A hidden jewel searched for but never saught,
A monster caged and caught,
My mind its battle fought,

Run, Run, Run, It calls ever,
Fall, Fall, Fall, I wish I never,
Love, Love, Love, my heart in severs,
Seek, Seek, Seek, but find not ever,

Beneath a dark and stormy sea,
Is the secret, secret to me,
The waves are not quite what you see,
Whitecaps there, they just can't be,

What lurks beneath un-mortared face,
What holds the pieces in their place,
What tears to pieces, fine as lace,
What stings the mind, like so much mace,

Answer if you understand,
My riddled words, from fire, fanned,
Seeking now to be unbanned,
Ready to fight, but quite unmanned.

Jesus Loves You

"Jesus love me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so."

Such a simple childrens song, yet so deep and rich in meaning. Have you ever really thought about it?

Jesus loves me. Seems fairly simple doesn't it? But how many people, even christians don't get it? How many people live their lives, and do things they know they shouldn't because they either feel the need to earn someones love, or the feel unloved? How many guys and gals have slept around because the wanted their partner in lust to 'love' them? How many people have torn their own bodies up with SI because they didn't feel loved? How many people do drugs or drink simply to 'fit in' with their peers? All that is is a desire for their peers to value them, to love them. How many christians mouth the words to all the songs and talk in christianese just to belong someplace?

"Does Jesus really love me? I mean, how can he? I've screwed up so much, I don't deserve anyones love, much less someone who knows me inside out. I mess up so much, God can't actually use me for anything. He can't. I won't let him love me, other people deserve it so much more than me." A voice so filled with dispair, yet also filled with much truth. You have screwed up. You don't deserve His love. You've messed up, we all have, all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. But God isn't looking for perfect people, He'd never find them. He wants you. He loves you. How can he? Because thats what He is, Love. Your very existince is proof that He loves you. Not because if He didn't love you, He'd smight you dead, though He could. But because He created you with a word. He formed you in His thoughts. Can you even imagine that? Being thought of by love, not by someone who loves, but by Love itself. Omnipotent, eternal, infinite, all thinking about you. An infinite mind thinking about you all the time. Imagine if even the combined minds of every human on the planet thought about you all the time, knew you inside and out, every thought and action, and then still loving you. That's nothing, nothing compared to the way God loves you.

"Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so..."

The Adventures of Squirrel Boy!!

on the street of east new york,
beneath the dirt and grime,
lived a man without a fork,
a towel or even dime,

this man, who's name was earl,
lived with one goal in mind,
with his unending search for a pearl,
the greatest of all its kind,

he traveled far and near and far,
from river drive to hudson,
until he came, without a fear,
to the park named cutson,

the trees grew thick,
right near the path,
he did not feel sick,
when he saw a sight that made him laugh,

there in the woods
there lived a squirrel,
and in between his hands there sat
a round and perfect pearl

the squirrel sat there,
upon its log,
its eyes glowed green,
in its nuked up bog,

just escaped from a government lab,
this squirrel was radioactive,
after reaching the park from a newyork cab,
he felt no longer a captive,

earl snuck forward through the grass,
toward the green eyed squirrel,
slinking low, yet moving fast,
he tried to reach that pearl,

the squirrel gave a jump and whirl,
and flying through the air,
landed on the man named earl,
and gave a yank on his hair,

its teeth sank into the man's scalp,
and gloopy goop flooded in,
he hadn't a chance to cry for help,
before he was changed by the venom of that Sciurus carolinensin,

he felt his body change right then,
you could see it by his eyes,
and soon the world began to spin,
and he fell like a man who dies,

he woke up, feeling quite strange,
but this was no suprise,
his body was not at all like those with mange,
he voice chirped the pitch having grown in size,

he realized what had happened,
as he gave a high pitched sigh,
he knew that he now captained,
squirrels of every size,

squirrel man he was now,
walking from the path of past,
squirrels would now all give a bow,
he had found his place at last.

This was a comment for janell, but it got to be to long...

So, do you dare to seek the unseekable?
To try the untryable?
To see danger coming and rise up to meet the flames?
Do you want it?
Do you want Him?
How bad?
Bad enough to die?
In dying there's no punishment.
Bad enough to be hurt?
What is pain in the face of life eternal.
Bad enough to live?
Thats right. Live.
Live in a world you don't belong.
Saying words that aren't in your native tongue.
Eating food that won't sustain.
Drinking water the won't quench your thirst.
Yet all for a purpose.
You want one of those don't you?
You want to be able to take you bread and feed five thousand
You want to be able to lift a dead man from the grave
But you want more then that.
Because none of that matters.
Why feed a mans stomach when its his heart that is hungry.
Why heal a mans body when its his soul that is dead.
You want more.
More.
You want to raise up your voice and have legions fall from the sky.
You want kingdoms and rulers to rise from your prayers.
You want chains to break. walls to crumble. tears to fall, and turn to laughter. But not for you. No, not for you. For you desire more then all this. You want more than what you're given. You wont accept life they way it is, you won't accept living the way others do, not even other christians, for they know far to little, they love far to little, they feel far to little, God is not to little! Beyond everything that happens in your spirit, in your soul, and in your mind, you want something so much more. You want Him. The Almighty. The Holy One. The Lover and Lovee. Everything He is, and everything He will be. You want Him.
But will you seek Him?
Can you seek Him?
He wants you to find Him. He calls you, not like a fire, not like a mighty wind, not like thunder and the lightning, but like a whisper...He wants to be found, but not found out of the corner of your eye, by chance, as you were passing through, on a lucky guess, a hunch, a roll of the die. He wants more too. He wants you to find Him, but He wants you to find Him when you seek Him, and even more then that, when you seek He wants you to seek with ALL YOUR HEART!
Can you do that?
Can you do it, giving up everything for, Him?
Everything. Everything doesn't just mean giving up sex, drugs, alcohol, SI, porn, or sin in general. It means giving up, food, drink, sleep, hugs, books, boyfriends, girlfriends, tv, gaming, sports, camping, travling, security, love, pleasure, pain, on and on and on the list goes. Everything, means everything.
Can you do that?
Can you seek the God of the ages with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength, not just at your youth camp, not just at a conference, not just at youth group, or church, or in that prayer meeting, but every moment of every day with everything you have?
Can you really?
yes?

Well then prove it. I dare you!

more poetry.

everytime i look in her eyes
i see what i shouldn't know
i know what pains her so
and i wish i could let her show

i feel her
i know her
i see it in her eyes
i draw back
don't touch her
someday we'll stop the lies
someday when i look in her eyes

everytime i look in his eyes
i see the anger dwelling there
mouth drawn tight and nettled hair
if i could just say i care

i feel him
i know him
i see it in his eyes
i draw back
don't touch him
someday we'll stop the lies
someday when i look in his eyes

everytime they look in my eyes
what secrets do i have hidden
who do i think i'm kidden
do they rise to my face un-bidden?

can you feel me
do you know me
can you see it in my eyes
i draw back
don't touch me
someday we'll stop the lies
someday when you look in my eyes

everytime He looks in my eyes
He see what dwells beneath them
He knows how my heart wanes and grows dim
I fall back on what I know, that I can trust in Him

He feels me
He know me
I see it in His eyes
You draw me
please touch me
you see through all my lies
someday when you see through my disguise

Why we need to reform the government.

So today I worked for 11 hours. I was all happy because thats a fair bit of mola, and then I realized something. 45% of the money I earn automatically gets taken by the government. Thats before I even get my paycheck, and after that I have to pay 7.4% sales tax on stuff I buy. All in all that's nearly 50% of my paycheck. Ok, now of the money that comes out of my paycheck, 4.3% goes to the state and the rest pays for social security, medicare, and federal income tax.

Now lets look at how much the government spends a year...
In 2004 the government spent 1.4 trillion dollars on social benefits, this is things like social security, medicare, food stamp programs, unemployment stuff, welfare....
They spent 484.2 billion on national security, the armed forces and such
They spent 238.5 billion on public safety, this is the police, firefighters, courts, and prisons
They spent 231.9 billion on transportation, space, agriculture, energy ect...
All in all the spend over 3.5 trillion dollars a year.

I have a problem with this. Mainly, its the fact that I worked for my money, and I would like to spend it how I see fit. So, my idea is to reform the government into only the areas nessacary for a capitalistic society. Basically, I think that we should eliminate a bunch of government payed for areas. Such as: All transportation stuff(roads, planes, boats, space, so on..), post office, education, and all social benefits. This would eliminate the following from the cabinet: department of agriculture, department of commerce, department of labor, department of education, department of energy, department of transportation, department of health and human services, department of housing and urban development.
That, in theory, would save 2 trillion dollars.

Now, you may be wondering, how will the roads get built, and letters get sent, and people get educated, and people retire, and people get medical insurance....

Poohs Grand Adventure

So last night I watched "Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin" What a good movie! But it made me think about growing up. In the movie the message that they were trying to tell kids was somthin like, "things aren't as scary as they seem", or "you can do anything if you believe in yourself", stuff like that, but the message I got out of it was very different. All through the movie they have these amazing adventures; they run from monsters, pass through a hedge of thorns(sleeping beauty style), piglet almost gets kidnapped by butterflies, they fall off a cliff, and then have to travel through an endless labrinth of caves testing each to the edge of their abilities. IT'S AWESOME!!! But after they find Christopher Robin (yes, I spoiled the ending, but its a disney, you knew they'd find him), they go back through all the places where they had their adventures and its not big, and adventursome anymore.

The cliff they fell off of is now about 5 feet deep. The hedge of thorns, a thistle patch. The endless labrinth, a small rock formation. And I suppose if I was four I would realize that they're telling us that once we overcome our fears, they now longer are as large and looming, or at the very least, things are always easier with Christopher Robin.

But I'm not four. So it made me remember all of those awesome adventures you have when your a kid. Crawling under the covers on your parents big water bed becomes an adventure through the caves where the ground is ever slipping from beneath you feet. You stay under for hours always crawling along, but never reach the end, it just keeps going. Or, you build a massive hill in your sandbox, and create a sprawling tunnel city for all of your talking cars. The list goes on...Climbing trees, counting stars, going down a slide, walking along the fence, even just laying in the grass all become amazing adventures when you're young. But when you look back on them now, they have lost their luster. Trying to hide underneath your parent's covers no longer works as well. No longer can you crawl behind the easy chair and sit for hours watching the ten commandments, or reading boxcar children. Why is that? Is there some rule that once you hit 4 foot, life no longer holds any adventure? Some untold reason that maturity suddenly means a loss of that childhood innocence?

The more I think about this, the more I think that maybe I learned the lesson the film makers were trying to teach me. When we are young, what drives us to all these adventures? It's because we don't know what will happen, we fear, on some small degree, the places our feet may take us. As we get older though, we understand more and more, its like Marie Curie said, "Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less." The more we understand something, the less we fear it. Crawling under the sheets isn't as scary when we are big, we lose that anticipation, the joy of discovering things unknown, seeing things unseen. I miss it. Discovery. Yes, the pool of knowledge is always bigger then the stuff we know, but doesn't it seem like all important stuff we already know? I don't ever ever want to grow up, but i'm scared, scared that maybe I already have

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."

the sky

we sail on a ocean,
an ocean deep and wide,
we sail on a airplane,
high above the sky

it is like a river,
flowing cool and bright,
this great and shining ocean,
in which the clouds take flight

a layer of blue,
a layer of white,
the sky is my ocean,
where my dreams go at night

belts of clouds,
stacked one upon another,
the earth, in its blanket,
wrapped up by its mother

who can see the sky,
an earth crystal at its core,
who can swirl the clouds,
like waves by distant shore

who can raise the mountains,
the bottom of this vast lake,
who can take the moonshine,
and an earth of shadows, make

who can make the birds,
swimming like a kite,
who can trap sunbeams,
in a bottle tight

of the sky is what I wonder,
of the sky is what I seek,
as I leave my mind to wander,
and my eyes drift off to sleep.

hmmm....yeah....

have you seen a picture of your heart?
I saw mine, all crusty around the edges, a few scars cut through it as well, the outsides all crispyfied like a really old chocolate covered donut. But it is there, that's a good thing I suppose, I won't be going tin-man on y'all for a while yet. But it's just sitting there, not moving, not beating, not bleeding, just sitting. And that's what scares me, its not beating, perhaps I'm not really alive. A bit of soul searching reveals that this might very well be so. Sure, I'm here, I can walk, talk, eat doritos, but am I truely living? What drives me from day to day, is it just that dying is really a pain in the butt? or is there something deeper, something beyond myself worth living for?
So, with all these thoughts whirling through my head, another voice popped in among the conversation.
"Your heart it's dry and crusty because you have made it so, it's not anyone else that's taken it and scared it and dryed it out through lack of use, it is you. You live out your life trying to avoid pain, avoid the bleeding and it has dried and no longer beats because of this. The less painful way is rarely the right way. The easy way is rarely the right way. My way is the right way.
You may bleed a little, or a lot following Me, but don't worry, I know what I am doing. I will make you heart beat strong within you, I will make you run with more passion then you could ever have on your own. I will make you go beyond what you can do, and into what I can do, and what I can do is limitless. If you want to live, follow me. If you don't want to be hurt, if you don't want pain, then die in your mediocrity.
Your heart is stale now, and only I can make it live again, but
it's not easy. It will hurt. You know this from when you've tried to find passion through something else. Your heart beats and all the dryness cracks and starts to bleed, your heart's beating again, but it doesn't last, it soon scabs over and drys again, leaving more scars then before. My way is different, I take your heart - I take all the scars, all the dryness, all the built up gunk surrounding it - and I reach through it all grab it with my claws and tear it all off of you. And then, when the shell is gone, when the blood has flowed, when everything that was hidden is torn into the light, I begin. I craft you a new heart, devoid of scars, or hurt, dryness. It still will bleed, but my love will cleanse the wounds. It will still hurt, but I will keep it beating through the pain.
You want to live? You want something bigger then yourself to drive you? I am bigger then any other thing. I will drive you when all else does not. Live for me. Let me drive your passion. And you will live, and live well."

Q & A

how far must one go to find ones self? what drives someone on the journey? is it a desire to be better? is it a quest for something that will tell you that the way you are now, is ok? does it matter?
are there higher levels of selves?
if we can't achieve perfection is there a point in trying? or is it trying, in itself, that makes us better? if so, why do we struggle with trying to be perfect, if trying is the end, not the means? why is the struggle nessecary? sure, making it through hard times makes us stronger, but is it better to be stonger? is it better to be wiser? why is it better? if God is made strong in our weaknesses, should we want more weaknesses? is it the right place for a christian to be weeping on the floor, totally weak, totally empty, gone of any desire to be ourselves because we are so weak? or is it to stand strong, shouting out commands to a wicked world?

Gifts

Here's another essay that I wrote for a class, its not all that great, but hey....

Gifts

In the book The Ingathering, the People each possessed a special ability, one of the gifts or persuasions. The gifts ranged from the ability to lift and move objects, see into the future or sort through peoples minds. We, as Christians, possess gifts as well. Our gifts bear resemblance in some ways to those of the People. We also have people that God reveals His secrets about the future to - prophets; people that can see to a small degree into others minds - those gifted in discernment; those gifted in mentoring, exhortation, mercy, or interpretation often help others sort through their thoughts. The Bible tell us, "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move."[1] But there seems to be one prevailing difference between our gifts and the Peoples. They can use their gifts whenever they want, while we can only use ours when God allows. As we look further, at this I hope to bring understanding to why this shouldn't be so.

As the People get older they discover which gift they have, and then try to develop that gift as far as possible. They aren't limited to just that gift, but can attempt to master other ones, though any secondary gifts are much harder to develop. We also have a gift that we have natural talent for, which through prayer and a developing relationship with God becomes stronger with time, but we should earnestly desire the spiritual gifts[2] not just the one(s) we started with.

Now as to the differences, I dont believe there are any. We have the same potential as the People do to use our gifts. Why, you may ask, cant people use their gifts whenever they want? Two reasons one, most people havent taken the time necessary in prayer and fellowship with God to develop their gift to its full potential. Second, we dont know what we want. Everyone desires to do what they believe is good, but our belief is limited by our finite knowledge and our willingness to believe it. If we had full knowledge of what is right and wrong, and had the ability to believe it, we wouldnt act in any way contrary to Gods will. If we set our minds on things above[3] and put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator[4] then our desires would be His desires. The things we do would actually be things He wanted us to do and His power would be fully realized in us. Only when we have truly given up all of ourselves to God, will our wants be what we truly want and our gifts will help us accomplish them all.

Now Stephen, a man full of God's grace and power, did great wonders and miraculous signs among the people.[5] Stephen was full of Gods grace and power, and therefore mustve been empty of himself. That is what everyone really wants, to be filled with the love of God and to be transformed into the image of our creator. When we achieve this, we can use our gifts the way we want, because our wants are His.

We all have these gifts, we may not like them at times, as Simon didnt,

I don't want to! Simon's eyes brimmed again. I don't think it's a bit of fun. Do I have to?

Do you have to breathe? I asked him. You could stop if you wanted to, but your body would die. You can refuse your Gift, but part of you would die - the part of you the Power honors - your place in the Presence - your syllable of the Name.[6]

As this quote says, rejecting our gifts is a rejection of the God that placed them there. We may not understand why God gave us the gifts He did, but they are there for a purpose, and only when we become reconciled to Him can we be began to grasp our purpose.

---

[1] Matthew 17:20

[2] 1 Corinthians 14:1

[3] Colossians 3:2

[4] Colossians 3:10

[5] Acts 6:8

[6] Ingathering: the complete People stories of Zenna Henderson. Deluge (p.258)

asdf

at the top of a mountian, so cold and so bleak,
there lived a man,
of which no one did speak,

people would only whisper his name,
"the grinch," they would say,
a one and the same,

the grinch would look down,
from high on his perch,
anger and malice from his heart would lerch,

for he had no love for the town,
smiling their smiles,
but never a frown,

meanwhile back in the village of who

the people all did as they should,
eating their veggies,
and cleaning their room,

curling their hair, in the way the law said,
doing their chores,
and making their beds,

they knew of all the right answers
to the wrong questions
and were excellent dancers



"how ya doin sir?"
"good!" they'd exclaim

Imbrace Your Inner Grandma

if life were filled with roses,
that stretched from sea to sea,
and we could be like moses,
amazing that would be,

to journey down unto the depths,
reaching forth our hand,
living filled with God's breath,
that flowed from land to land,

His voice would be a battle cry,
waking all to see,
His lasting light flowing,
out from you and me,

if we would live the life,
that we all know we should,
then the world would tip from the knife,
into a place of good,

violence wouldn't be an issue,
if we loved as He did,
our broken hearts would need no tissue,
and we would laugh and kid,

our minds would be filled with hope,
not the dull and empty lies,
that we get from watching soaps,
and other poisen to our minds,

that is the world as it could be,
but why is it not so?
if we could only see,
there's one thing we need to know,

God's love is perfect, pure, and strong,
loving unconditionly,
when filled with Him you can't go wrong,
though others, this, can't see,

They think that God don't love them,
because of times of bad,
His arms are spread wide to hug them,
but they don't which makes Him sad,

if we could be his lamppost,
shining for all to see,
showing love the very most,
an outporing from His to me,

yes, people need a change of heart,
yes, we sin and lie,
but the homeless guy by walmart,
deserves not the glares from our eyes,

we all make mistakes
they are wrong thats true
but judgment comes not from us
but from the Maker of the sky a'blue

Jesus love us
this i know
for the Bible tells me so

and if you don't believe thats true
then i have got a story for you

Freedom

You laugh at the Isrealites just freed from bondage, just stepping from the sea parted by God, just taken out of slavery by God's power shown through signs and wonders.You laugh because they've forgotten, while there backs still ache from slavery they whine and complain of the toils of a road of freedom, they've forgotten the power of the God that led them there.
But tell me, why do you laugh? Hasn't God freed you from your bondage? Hasn't he set you free? Free from sin. Free from the law. Free from your past and everything that binds you to your old life. Yet you aren't free. You, like the Isrealites, are a stiff-necked people, God has broken the chains yet you sit willingly in your dungeon, you forget the power of God. You may pray, may read your Bible, may worship God, but when that moment is over you fall so quickly back into your old ways. With your actions you cry out, "We were better off in Egypt!"
Do you not understand? Are you so quick to forget the power of God? If the Son shall make you free, you are free indeed! Do not worry what other think of you. Do not worry about your struggles and cares. Let go of your old life. Cast your cares upon God. For He loves you, and He cares for you.

Pain

Ok, i wrote this for one my classes, thought some of you might be interested

The Ethics of Justices Pain Removal

As the Worthing saga ends, Justice ends pain, for the small village of flat harbor. The Day of pain was over. It would not be as it was before. Justice played no tricks on memory, and death itself she would not hinder, but the pain was at an end in Flat Harbor, and would be as long as she lived.[1] But was she right to do this, to remove pain from everyone? To answer this we have to look a bit deeper into the subject of pain, what causes it, and whether it is good or not.

As we look at pain we find there are basically four causes. First off, Nature. This is basically the effects that natural law has on our bodies, if we step on a nail we are going to get hurt, if we jump of a cliff we are going to die. These aren't punishments for our heinous crime of *gasp* stepping on a nail, they are merely the results of an action. While God could quite easily make the nail turn soft as rubber when people step on it, the same properties that make stepping on the nail painful (its sharp, and doesn't bend easily) also make it possible to build a house with the same nail. If every time something was going to cause another pain God changed its natural properties, our free will would be torn away, and the laws of nature couldnt exist.

Second, Mankind. After the fall, man became evil. Due to this and having free will its only natural to assume that peoples free wills would eventually collide in a painful way. Once again, God could stop this pain, either changing the physical properties of an object intended to harm, or removing all desire to harm others, but both of these would again remove free will from society.

Third, the devil. He, like men, has a free will and is evil. And his will collides with ours and Gods in the same way.

Forth, God's punishment for sin. This is by far the hardest to explain; there are several analogies the bible uses to explain mans relationship with God. In Jeremiah we see the example of the potter and the clay. If we imagine for a second a sentient wad of clay, its imaginable that it would be pained by the constant remaking process, annoyed and frustrated that just when it was getting set in its ways some giant hand smashed it again, forcing it to work through the process of becoming something lovely again. Next, we can draw the analogy of a man to his dog. A man doesn't own a dog for the dog to love him; he owns it to love the dog, but the dog naturally has some things that make it less lovable. The way it smells and acts can at times make it hard for the man to love it. So what does the man do? He gives the dog baths, trains it to obey, and other such stuff. The dog might not appreciate any of this, might find it painful at times during his training, but it is necessary to make the dog lovable. We arent created to love God, but for God to love us. He loves us as we are, but that doesnt mean he wants us to stay that way. God desires for us to be Christ like, and pain is sometimes required to do this.

People often wonder how God, being so merciful, can allow pain. The say, "Sure Ive sinned, but hasn't everyone?" they don't understand, we can't be justified by the faults of others, "We are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.[2]" People think of sin like a sunburn, everyone gets one occasionally but with time it will go away and people won't even realize it was there, or maybe they'll see it faded to a tan, and think how strong you must be to have made it through that sin. If people grasped what their sin actually was, understood how it must look to God, they wouldn't wonder why there's so much pain, they'd wonder why there is so little. But people are so wrapped up in there facade of kindness and the wishy-washy political correct terms that they don't realize that there is much more to loving others than being kind. When we look back at the middle ages, one of the cruelest times in history, do we think, "Im sure God will over look their cruelness, I mean they had chastity and courage like no other generation." No, we are horrified by the cruelties committed, just as they, looking on us, would be horrified by our lack of courage and chastity. This horrification must only be a fraction of what God feels when he sees our sins. Pain is Gods way of shaping us into what He wants us to be, making us aware of our sins.

Another good thing about pain is it lets us see our good deeds for what they are. For example, if the doctor tells you that you have to eat carrots every day, at first youre like, Stupid carrots I hate eating um. But as you eat them, you start liking them and you eat them all the time, you enjoy eating them, it gives you pleasure. At that point are you eating carrots to obey your doctor? Who knows, its probably more likely that you just like eating carrots now. Its the same way with Gods rules at times, we get to the point were we like doing things the right way, we like fulfilling our call, but when we get there are we using the call as a means to an end(pleasing God), or an end in itself? We dont know, but as long as there is pain involved in our obeying, in our pleasing God, then we know that we arent doing it for us, but for Him.

Do I mean to say that we should seek pain? Not at all, Im not in the least trying to say that pain in itself helps you do anything, pain is good and totally healthy as a means to an end, but as an end itself it doesnt accomplish anything, in fact I would even call it a sin. Things like cutting, self-injury, eating disorders, and causing pain to yourself whether mentally or physically is wrong. God doesnt desire for us to be in pain, but it is sometimes necessary to get his point across, God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain.[3] Its not the pain thats a good thing; it's what we learn from it.

So pain, while being useful for good, isnt in itself a good or healthy thing. The Bible tells us to Not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act. (Proverbs 3:27) so we know that it was right for Justice to remove pain from each person, as individuals, just as it is right for doctors or anyone to remove pain from an individual. It is right to help people through their painful experiences, through their troubles; in fact I feel that sitting back and watching idly-by is wrong.

Now, are things that are good for each individual good for society as a whole? The movie Bruce Almighty gave an interesting look at how this would turn out. In the movie, Bruce - given the powers of God says yes to everyones prayers. If everyone got what they wanted, what was good for them, society would collapse, as the mass riots and chaos in Bruce Almighty showed. The story of John Tinker is another excellent example of why this is. In the story, he came to the town of Worthing and would heal everyone. But during one winter he couldnt keep up with all the healings, and was eventually killed because of this. He hadnt stopped healing, he had tried to save as many as he could. While the individuals that had been saved were grateful for this, the society as a whole didnt think he had done enough, they werent grateful for the lives he had saved. Now you may say he was killed because he didnt heal the whole society, but this isnt true. He had healed the whole society before, therefore, the peoples expectation was for him to heal the whole town again, if he had never healed anyone, and then came during the hard winter they wouldve been grateful, even if he hadnt saved everyone.

Removing pain from a society as a whole removes our ability to make choices. In nearly all decisions the result is either painful or not, if we eliminate one of these possibilities we force people down a path they didnt want to take. The other path may be better, but if God wanted robots he would have made us that way. Love and pain and beauty. They all seem to go together like one little tidy confusing package.[4] We cant have one without the other, if we only experienced good, then one of two things would happen. Life would become like a communistic society of emotions, everything is equally good, but some things are more equally good then others, or happiness would just be an empty blah feeling, the same old thing all the time.

Lessons learned by pain are some of the best and most important lessons, not because of the pain, but what we learned from it. No pain, no palm; no thorns, no throne; no gall, no glory; no cross, no crown.[5] Christ suffered pain more than most people ever will, and only when He had made it through the pain did He complete His goal. Without His death, there wouldve been no resurrection. Without pain, our lifes goals would never be completed, or they would lose their sweetness after completion. Life is filled with pain, but if we struggle through it - push through the cocoon that holds us in we will emerge all the more beautiful because of it.

Bibliography

http://www.quotationspage.com

The Bible NIV

The Worthing Saga - Orson Scott Card First Edition December 1990, Copy write 1990 by Orson Scott Card

The Problem of Pain C.S. Lewis Harper Collin Edition 2001, Copy write 1940 by C.S. Lewis

Conversations with Rachel, Misha, and Gabbie

---

[1] The Worthing Saga Page 270

[2] The NIV Romans 3:24

[3]The Problem of Pain C.S. Lewis, Page 91

[4]Henry Bromel, Northern Exposure, The Big Kiss, 1991

[5] William Penn

tagged

ok here's how this works. read my weird things/ habbits below. then, since you've been tagged, you have to post a new blog about 6 of your weird things/habbits. then at the bottom write the names of the next 6 people you're going to tag. then go tag them and tell them to do the smae thing. get it? got it? good.

6 weird things/ habbits about me:

1: i can live a week behind the rest of the world, and totaly not notice...

2: i'm addicted to root beer and chocolate

3: i enjoy asking random questions involving penguins or zebras

4: i like my pizza as well as any spicy doritos dipped in apple sauce

5: i can do the wave with my eyebrows, did i just say that?

6: i have 5 messages on my phone right now

next 6 people i'm going to tag : hmmm, who hasn't been done yet...jake, ashley, heather, aaron, rachel, jace

Yertle the Turtle

how can this be?!? i no longer understand this crazy world, where people don't know who yertle the turtle is....has no one read the great works of doctor suess!?! what trying times, next i'll be told that fox in sox isn't required to read and memorize at school. well for all of your enjoyment, i have included the full unedited story of yertle the turtle, unfortunitly, it is lacking the brilliant pictures that make it so wonderful, so y'all will just have to look at my pic and drift into euphoric memories of yester-year.

On the far-away island of Sala-ma-Sond,
Yertle the Turtle was king of the pond.
A nice little pond. It was clean. It was neat.
The water was warm. There was plenty to eat.
The turtles had everything turtles might need.
And they were all happy. Quite happy indeed.

They were... untill Yertle, the king of them all,
Decided the kingdom he ruled was too small.
"I'm ruler", said Yertle, "of all that I see.
But I don't see enough. That's the trouble with me.
With this stone for a throne, I look down on my pond
But I cannot look down on the places beyond.
This throne that I sit on is too, too low down.
It ought to be higher!" he said with a frown.
"If I could sit high, how much greater I'd be!
What a king! I'd be ruler of all that I see!"

So Yertle, the Turtle King, lifted his hand
And Yertle, the Turtle King, gave a command.
He ordered nine turtles to swim to his stone
And, using these turtles, he built a new throne.
He made each turtle stand on another one's back
And he piled them all up in a nine-turtle stack.
And then Yertle climbed up. He sat down on the pile.
What a wonderful view! He could see 'most a mile!
"All mine!" Yertle cried. "Oh, the things I now rule!
I'm the king of a cow! And I'm the king of a mule!
I'm the king of a house! And, what's more, beyond that
I'm the king of a blueberry bush and a cat!
I'm Yertle the Turtle! Oh, marvelous me!
For I am the ruler of all that I see!"

And all through the morning, he sat up there high
Saying over and over, "A great king am I!"
Until 'long about noon. Then he heard a faint sigh.
"What's that?" snapped the king
And he looked down the stack.
And he saw, at the bottom, a turtle named Mack.
Just a part of his throne. And this plain little turtle
Looked up and he said, "Beg your pardon, King Yertle.
I've pains in my back and my shoulders and knees.
How long must we stand here, Your Majesty, please?"
"SILENCE!" the King of the Turtles barked back.
"I'm king, and you're only a turtle named Mack."
"You stay in your place while I sit here and rule.
I'm the king of a cow! And I'm the king of a mule!
I'm the king of a house! And a bush! And a cat!
But that isn't all. I'll do better than that!

My throne shall be higher!" his royal voice thundered,
"So pile up more turtles! I want 'bout two hundred!"
"Turtles! More turtles!" he bellowed and brayed.
And the turtles 'way down in the pond were afraid.
They trembled. They shook. But they came. They obeyed.
From all over the pond, they came swimming by dozens.
Whole families of turtles, with uncles and cousins.
And all of them stepped on the head of poor Mack.
One after another, they climbed up the stack.
Then Yertle the Turtle was perched up so high,
He could see fourty miles from his throne in the sky!
"Hooray!" shouted Yertle. "I'm the king of the trees!
I'm king of the birds! And I'm king of the bees!
I'm king of the butterflies! King of the air!
Ah, me! What a throne! What a wonderful chair!
I'm Yertle the Turtle! Oh, marvelous me!
For I am the ruler of all that I see!"

Then again, from below, in the great heavy stack,
Came a groan from that plain little turtle named Mack.
"Your Majesty, please... I don't like to complain,
But down here below, we are feeling great pain.
I know, up on top you are seeing great sights,
But down here at the bottom we, too, should have rights.
We turtles can't stand it. Our shells will all crack!
Besides, we need food. We are starving!" groaned Mack.

"You hush up your mouth!" howled the mighty King Yertle.
"You've no right to talk to the world's highest turtle.
I rule from the clouds! Over land! Over sea!
There's nothing, no, NOTHING, that's higher than me!"

But, while he was shouting, he saw with suprise
That the moon of the evening was starting to rise
Up over his head in the darkening skies.
"What's THAT?" snorted Yertle. "Say, what IS that thing
That dares to be higher than Yertle the King?
I shall not allow it! I'll go higher still!
I'll build my throne higher! I can and I will!
I'll call some more turtles. I'll stack 'em to heaven!
I need 'bout five thousand, six hundred and seven!"

But, as Yertle, the Turtle King, lifted his hand
And started to order and give the command,
That plain little turtle below in the stack,
That plain little turtle whose name was just Mack,
Decided he'd taken enough. And he had.
And that plain little lad got a bit mad.
And that plain little Mack did a plain little thing.
He burped!
And his burp shook the throne of the king!

And Yertle the Turtle, the king of the trees,
The king of the air and the birds and the bees,
The king of a house and a cow and a mule...
Well, that was the end of the Turtle King's rule!
For Yertle, the King of all Sala-ma-Sond,
Fell off his high throne and fell Plunk! in the pond!

And tosay the great Yertle, that Marvelous he,
Is King of the Mud. That is all he can see.
And the turtles, of course... all the turtles are free
As turtles and, maybe, all creatures should be.

the new revized standard Version 2.0 goals list.

heres a list of my goals....
1. to love God, and serve him in all i do

I wrote like a bunch and realized i had forgotten the most important one...^

1.walk from maine to southern california
2. ride on horse back across texas
3. climb the highest mountain in all 50 states
4. canoe the great lakes
5. write an album
6. learn to sing
explore...
7. the Nile River
8. Amazon River
9.Congo River
10.Colorado River
11.Yangtze River, China
12.Niger River
13.Orinoco River, Venezuela
14.Rio Coco, Nicaragua
Climb...
15. Mt. Everest
16. Mt. Aconcagua, Argentina
17. Mt. Ararat, Turkey
18. Mt. Rainier
19. Mt. Cook, New Zealand
20. The Matterhorn
21. *Grand Tetons (I've done a bit of hiking here)
22. Mt. Baldy, California
23. Mt. Fuji
24. Mt. Vesuvius
25. Mt. Bromo, Java
26. Mt. Popocatepetl, Mexico
27. Learn to fly a plane
Visit...
28. every country in the world (2 down)
29. Iguacu Falls, Brazil
30. Victoria Falls, Rhodesia
31. Sutherland Falls, New Zealand
32. Yosemite Falls
33. Niagara Falls
34. North and South Poles
35. Great Wall of China
36. Panama and Suez Canals
37. Easter Island
38. The Galapagos Islands
39. Vatican City
40. The Taj Mahal
41. The Eiffel Tower
42. The Blue Grotto
43. The Tower of London
44. The Leaning Tower of Pisa
45. The Sacred Well of Chichen-Itza, Mexico
46. Climb Ayers Rock in Australia
47. Follow River Jordan from Sea of Galilee to Dead Sea
48. Grand Canyon on foot and by boat
49. Retrace travels of Marco Polo and Alexander the Great
Swim...
50. Lake Victoria
51. Lake Superior
52. Lake Tanganyika
53 Lake Titicaca, S. America
54. Lake Nicaragua
55. across an ocean
56. *become an eagle scout
57. Dive in a submarine
58. Land on and take of from an aircraft carrier
59. Fly in a blimp, balloon and glider
60. Ride an elephant, camel, ostrich and bronco
61. Skin dive to 40 feet
62. *hold breath two and a half minutes underwater
63. learn bass, and drums, and violin
64. Type 50 words a minute
65. Learn water and snow skiing
66. go skydiving
67. Follow the John Muir trail
68. *go on a missions trip
69. Bag camera trophies of elephant, lion, rhino, cheetah, cape buffalo and whale
70. Learn to fence
71. Learn jujitsu
72. Become a ham radio operator
73. Build own telescope
74. High jump five feet
75. Broad jump 15 feet
76. Run mile in five minutes
77. *Weigh under 175 pounds stripped
78. *Perform 200 sit-ups and 20 pull-ups
79. learn french, arabic and russian
80. Study dragon lizards on Komodo Island
81. chase hurricanes and tornados
82. Read the entire Encyclopedia Britannica
83. *Read the Bible from cover to cover
84. Read the works of Shakespeare, Plato, Aristotle, Dickens, Thoreau, Rousseau, Conrad, Hemingway, Twain, Burroughs, Talmage, Tolstoi, Longfellow, Keats, Poe, Bacon, Whittier, and Emerson
85. Become proficient in the use of a plane, motorcycle, tractor, surfboard, rifle, pistol, canoe, microscope, football, basketball, bow and arrow, lariat and boomerang
86. Milk a poisonous snake
87. Light a match with .22 rifle
88. Visit a movie studio
89. Climb Cheops' pyramid
90. Circumnavigate the globe
91. Marry and have kiddos
92. Visit the moon
93. Go bow hunting
94. Love and be loved
95. Buy one book a week, and read two
96. Watch a rainstorm from a porch swing with someone I love

and thats all i can think of...enjoy.

Don't Read

now i know why they call it depression... it actually feels depressing, like someone has taken off your skull and wrapped your head in a sack then slowly tightens the drawstrings. your brain is sore in a way, you can't focus; your eyes are drawn tight towards the back of you head, you want to cry but the pressure keeps the tears in. you don't want to do anything, don't want to sleep because of the dreams, don't want to move because every step is a constant remeinder that your heart is still beating, don't want to talk because if you open yourself up but a pinprick the dam will break open and everything that you've worked to bottle up is reliesed in a torrent destroying everything in its way. people will tell you its not true, that they will listen, that they just want to know whats wrong, and that they don't care if it hurts them. but everyone knows its not true, they will be hurt wether they admit it or not, no one can face the tide of someones true emotions without being dragged back to the same sea the emotions came from. we all know this to be true, if someones is happy and we hang around them, we get happier. if someone is sad and we hang around them, we get sadder. would it not also follow that if someone is depressed or hurt or anything simaler and they share that, the person they share it with will exemplify the emotions they heard? i for one would rather be a mess inside, and not hurt anyone. then have the guilt of someone elses pain on my shoulders. wow, thats kinda selfish isn't it? its all rather selfish really, everything anyone does is in some way selfish. seriously now. just think about everything you did today and give me one example of something that was not selfish, and i will tell you how it was. for example i just wrote the last sentence to justify my own being selfish.
sometimes i wish, i wish that i had never been born, never existed. can you imagine it? how wonderful it be? people say well what of all the happy times you've had? and i say what of all the sad? the sad happen its part of life is the typical response. but is not the happiness also part of life? why are people so quick to lay aside one set of events because 'everyone must go through those' but won't lay aside both sets? people have happy times, and people have sad, but i don't want either. solomon was truelly wise when he said, "and i saw that the dying who were dead were better off than the living that were still alive, but better than both is he who has not seen, he who has not heard what happends under the sun." (ecc 4:somthin paraphrased) why is God so good? he creates the universe on a whim makes man who he knows without a shadow of a doubt will fail him. leaves us here for a breath, then wisks some of us off to a place of eternal misery and the rest off to a forced worship of him eternally. yes, that sounds so good to me.

i'm so tired, tired of failing, tired of messing up. i never can do anything right, its always a step behind, just short of the goal. i want to cry, but crying doesn't help. i want to listin to music, but that doesn't help. i want to die, but dying doesn't help. i want to cut, but that doesn't help. i want to talk to someone, but that never helps. they all helped for time, like half dry wells in a dessert, but their season is over. depression is so much like fear, you won't do anything because of the imagined consequences. i don't want to live in fear, because that is what scares me the most.

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